Please if you’re my friend and you attend Jehovah’s witness, biko don’t ever open that your mouth you use in eating sharwarma or drinking orijin to invite me for your wedding, because I won’t come! Im not joking! Ho Ha!!!
Jesu! That was how my neighbour invited me and my friends to her wedding o. You need to see how this babe finished hyping the kain event sef. She even told us not to eat, that she will take care of our ‘food needs’ o. Okay!
On behalf of me and my friends, I told her we might not be able to meet up with the whole church serenren, but we will come for the reception. Babe agreed.
So me and my friends contributed money to buy her a nice wedding gift. See broke me. I even gave my last card. Kai!😈😈
After they were done with church wedding na, we got the information, and headed straight for the reception hall. On getting there, we discovered that the food and drinks were under over beefed security o. Very tight sontin! We were waiting for them to share food.
Omo, no show o. 😂😂😂 See us that came hungry! I wan die!
We waited and waited and waited. Not just us o. Other people also that came to the reception venue too were waiting. Nothing! You can’t even look the people in charge of the food in the face. Very unfriendly specie! 😂😂
All my attempts to smile at one brother and form fine girl failed woefully. Brother wasn’t moved. At a point I started thinking he was either gay or castrated.
Imagine me! I even cut eye for brother, yet no show. I failed. As in correct F9 wey dem use red biro write o. Tueh!!😂😂
So eventually, the people who went to church. started arriving gradually. Chairs started getting filled up. The unfriendly caterers started loosening up, as they greeted their fellow church members. O chi’m! How did I forget I wasn’t a member if the Kain church.😂
Then something funny happened. These people brought out list of names o. No jokes! and started sharing rice according to positions. 😂
Firstly, they served all the Elders, in no particular order. Elder Johnson, Elder Vincent, Elder nkea, na Elder nkeozo. Tufia!😂😂
By the time they were done with the elders, we were almost dead. My belle don dey tell me how far. I looked at my neighbor, Aunty throway face. Issorite! God! I died! 😂😂
Then they started dishing out food to their church members. Coman see aroma everywhere. It wasn’t funny o. Mt friends were practically sulking ! See painment. Kai!😂😂.
And these their church members sef were not even helping matters. Very wicked set of human beings! You need to see how they were just tearing the meat and emptying their bottles of soft drinks without conscience. At a point, I started feeling like they were doing it on purpose, so that our throat will long well well and fall ontop ground. 😂😂😂
Hian! I could practically hear the annoying noises their wide mouths were making as they deleted the plates of jollof, devoured the chicken meats, and cracked the bones of the unfortunate animal to powder.
Finally, they were done serving members. Just as I was thinking the friends and well wishers will be next in line, another list came out. This time, it was for people that witnessed the joining at the church.😧😧
You go dey front laidis, usher go pass food to person wey dey your back. Them go even throw can drink across your head, give another person. Azzin, malt was just flying upandan.One man got fed up and caught one. As he tried to open it, usher change am for am o.
” Excuse me Sir. That drink doesn’t belong to you!”😂😂
For where! The man opened the thing and drank o.😂😂 He was like;
” What sort of nansenze is this? I have been here for the past 2hrs. No Rice, No swallow! No Drink! Not even water! What is happening? Oginidi?”
“Did you come to the kingdom???” The usher fired back.😂😂😂
Ha! Kingdom kwa! Kingdom of where? Abi is it the seven kingdoms in Game of thrones???😂
It was later that Penocrat Ayomide Ugonna, discovered that they refer to their church as a kingdom, and anyone who didn’t come to the kingdom for the wedding, was perceived as WORDLY, and not fit to partake in the ‘choppings’. 😂😂
“We are one in Christ!”the man replied. While he gulped down the can of Amstel Malta, at the expense of the overly angry usher. 😂😂
Immediately me and my friends decided to use the man’s type of tactics to collect drinks too, we discovered that this people had stopped throwing drinks o. They now clutch their malt tightly and walk down to the seat of whoever they feel like giving, and hand over the damn thing.
After that last category, they stopped serving. Coman see hunger written on people’s faces. I was hungry o. But some people were both hungry and angry. You need to see different types of red eyes. Men, women, children, dgz.😂
When all hope was lost, My friend brought out groundnut from her bag and started munching. All of us begged her o. Including one fine boy that sat near us. No forming for this wan at all! Hunger is real!😂😂😂😂
Finally, we decided to leave na. Wedding don cast. Since,the church people were just crunching, binging and munching with reckless abandon, while we the onlookers were just observing the swayings of their mouths. As per Mr. Lukman and Madam Lucozades,😂😂 is it not better to get the fuck out of that place?
We got up, carried our gift and walked straight to the bride to hand it over, when they hit us with another heartbreaking missile.
Do you know these people don’t even collect gifts at wedding? Hay God!😂😂😂
My neighbor rejected the gift we contributed money to buy for her, because it was against their doctrine. Okay o. We carried our gift and were doing about turn when I heard a dry voice saying;
” Why are you guys leaving. Wait na. We are almost done with the event.
I turned back. Lo and behold. It was my neighbour. She was drinking fanta.
Hay God! what level of painment is this kwanu?
Is like this wan is mad.😒😒😒
Wait and do what? Shine eyes while you people do us longer throat with your nonsense meals?
Wait and do what? Lock the doors or clean the place or wash the plates? Thunder!💨💨
Not just ordinary thunder o. A Hymanic thunder!
Wait fez o. Hunger is using me to recite state and capital, and you people are asking me to wait?
May Amadioha position soldier ants inside your genitals!
P.S: if you’re a Jehovah’s witness member, please do laidis✋✋✋. I want to block you and make space for better people who have regard for human feelings.
Kingdom that they’re not sharing food inside is that wan kingdom?
Nonsense and paradise!
Written by Penocrat Ayomide Kindness.
Signed: Chibueze Mitchell Odimegwu.
( The unholy one)