Whenever I see a comment insisting that a woman must stay married through hell…
or that she should “pray harder” and hold on to a TOXIC relationship that is apparently extinguishing her soul and her spirit…
I feel sick to my stomach. #truestory
This woman gets persecuted for even considering other options which might preserve her life, her sanity, her aspirations, her children…
I feel even sicker when brilliant-minded people – understandably scared of being labeled “home-breaker” – are bullied into starting their disagreement with that phrase “I am not an advocate for divorce but…”
Yes! I am an advocate for divorce. So is my husband, my love of 20 years.
If your relationship is not advancing your life, your aspirations and those of your children… it is ruining your life.
No woman (or man) should be in a sick, toxic, relationship or marriage – ever!!! for whatever reason – PERIOD!
A toxic relationship…
– is a waste of your life & honestly
– it isn’t worth it.
NOT to you. NOT to your children.
Your choice to stay for them is a choice to raise BROKEN children who go on to become the broken adults who also embrace abuse and repeats the same lessons to their own children.
If you wouldn’t suddenly push your child in front of a moving truck, this is not an option you would consider.
– Living in misery has NO rewards.
Women who are in healthy relationships understand this well.
– Life is easier.
– Life is sweet.
– Life is like a dream – more often than not.
No. a healthy marriage is not a myth or a movie script. It is many women’s reality.
and NO. a healthy marriage is not as scarce as they would have us believe either.
We only think true marital happiness is scarce because the voices from the pain and misery of those who endure these toxic relationships are just louder.
Picture a room full of 2,000 women with an aisle separating each group of 1,000.
Each group is instructed to carry out 2 actions.
– Group one: Smile.
– Group two: Sigh, Cry or Yell out in pain.
Which group do you think would be the loudest?
A smile is silent.
Try crying or yelling out your discomfort and see the difference.
These sisters in healthy marriages have it so good, we are too embarrassed to admit the truths of just how comfortable our lives are in a healthy, happy tangle.
Money or no money.
Having an argument with someone who sees you as an equal and who fights fair out of love is far from the extreme responses which happen in a toxic environment.
Living your life with a spouse who rushes home just to be with you daily is an experience these women understand and see as commonplace.
And NO! this is NOT determined by LUCK, it is by a personal RESOLVE to NEVER SETTLE.
Being ready to walk
And knowing you DESERVE a healthy life and relationship and nothing less is good enough.
**The older generation knew this. Ask them! They knew “ENDURE” means “suffer the torture like we did. After all, we didn’t die.”
Except! they’re wrong.
**Many women did die. Many women are still dying. Many women will continue to die.
**Our seniors knew that ENDURE only leads to..
– unrequited love
– premature aging & ailing
– forgotten dreams
They knew… but they lied to us that there are rewards because they believed if we would just lean into the inevitable pain like women before us felt they had to do…
– we would have less expectations to be dashed
– we would offer less resistance
– we would calm down and not embarrass them in public.
– we would suffer less.
Sadly, lying to us didn’t help either. Did it?
Look around you…we’re even worse off now because many of our seniors gave in (a.k.a look to God & the children) instead of fight back!
My late father once said, “Lola, he will ONLY go as far as you let him. You are in control of your life. Choose well!”
So here goes…
I will NOT wait until its life threatening.
I will NOT wait until he hits me.
I will NOT wait until he says, “I don’t want you anymore” – even once.
I will NOT wait until he begins breaking promises to me.
I will NOT wait until he stays out all night.
I will NOT wait until when I cry, He laughs – in my face.
I will NOT wait until my children ask, “Mum, should we run away?”
I will NOT wait until he stops giving answers to my questions.
It is OVER the moment he begins to take me & my love for granted.
If he wants me…
He must work to KEEP ME.
He must EARN ME.
every single day! or i’m done.